Ask the Past: better left unasked

Tēnā koe.

I was wondering, dearest Happy Family Happy Home, whether you could help ease my confusion regards the appropriate manner that I should conduct myself when in the company of members of my own sex?

I am male, and have long been plagued by a sense of a desire for more than just social interactions. I dare not speak of them here, but let’s just say that I am, perhaps, of the Wildean kind.

To help ease my befuddlement, and prevent any unspeakable social faux pas, I was hoping you might elucidate for me advice from your valuable serials and tomes regards the proper way to conduct oneself when in the company of fellow gentlemen.

Much obliged,
A committed reader.

P.S. If you have any advice about which personality traits, behaviours and appearances gentlemen find most appealing in their prospective mates and partners, I would be interested in that, too, though I dare not say for what purpose I shall use it; I’m sure it’s best not said.

Honestly, I'm not sure why anyone would look to the past for advice about being gay. Some people just love to play with fire, I guess.

You won't be surprised to hear that most etiquette books are silent on the subject. That's not to say that nobody was talking about it, though, you just had to look elsewhere. For example, Sex and Character (1906) had this advice you may find helpful when looking about for friends:

There is no friendship between men that has not an element of sexuality in it, however little accentuated it may be in the nature of the friendship, and however painful the idea of the sexual element would be. But it is enough to remember that there can be no friendship unless there has been some attraction to draw the men together. Much of the affection, protection, and nepotism between men is due to the presence of unsuspected sexual compatibility.

The etiquette books were more forthcoming on what to do generally around your friends and in public, though, and as a rule, it seems that the more buttoned-up you were, the better. For example, according to The Young Folks' Book of Etiquette (1922):

It is not well-bred to kiss any one on the street, even a baby. The habit of kissing people generally is out of place anywhere. One should kiss only one's very intimate friends, and then only in the house.

And just in case you were thinking that you could probably make yourself known with a pink shirt or a well-chosen handkerchief, The Young Folks' Book of Etiquette would like you to put that idea out of your head too:

Dress quietly and simply for the street. Gay colors are suitable only for the house, or for evening wear. A gentleman or gentlewoman wishes to be noticed by strangers as little as possible.

And finally, here's On Becoming A Man (1951):

It is only necessary that you be on guard against the early advances of some individual who, unbeknown to you, may have homosexual tendencies.

I'm sure that will help.